Have you ever been in a fallow time, but not at the same time? I don’t know how else to describe what I have been going through over the past year. I had been sinking deep into myself and The Dark King. Searching for answer when I didn’t even know the questions. So I found myself lost within His Dark Forest. Searching…. Wandering…. and inevitably because I could not find the answers I sought I became frustrated. So I sat down on a rotten, decaying log and began to cry. I let the forest grow ever darker around me, letting it swallow me up and the dark creatures within rip me apart. Because of this my emotions had no where to go but the surface. I let myself get swallowed by the sea of my emotions. So in all sense of the word, but physically, I let myself die.
I started to distract myself with other things hoping maybe that would let me revive myself once more. Instead what I did was pile weights upon my shoulders and sink further. So in a way I put myself in a fallow time. The Dark King and The Destroyer watched as this happened. I never was angry at them for not helping or trying to stop it. The only one who could pull me out was myself. I am stubborn and if I don’t want to move then no force will make me. So they did the one thing I needed…. they stayed present. They helped guide when I was really listening. When deep in my core I wanted to find the truth and would open my heart to let it in.
Then The Shadow Walker was there. Watching…. learning…. For the first time my curiosity peaked. I was able to divert my attention to something else. Even if it was another burden at least it gave me light. Though the reality was He was the darkness. He saw within and was able to guide me to those answers.
They were world shattering truths. A harsh reality I needed to face about myself. I became cut and bruised. Scraping my knees when I fell on the forest floor that had jagged rocks in them and thus my feet hurt as well when I walked. It was painful, but I needed it. I needed to feel again, even if it was pain. Because I needed to continue to be ripped for I was healing myself as well. If one thing I have deeply learned about The Dark King’s Forest is that to walk in it is painful, but in that pain there is understanding and growth.
Within this maddening reality I found answers, both within and outside. I began to lift off the weights on my shoulders when Wep Ronpet came for a friend and I. It was not just a clearing of my room, it was clearing out of my life. I needed order in the chaos, but most of all to find myself…. to put the pieces back together.
Then someone whom is near and dear to my heart had sent a song she was listening too. It struck a chord deep within myself and brought me to my knees. I found myself in that song. I was in a past that molded me into who I was, am, and ever will be. I am and forever will be that person who went through such things with her and them. I am a warrior… a survivor… myself.
I learned I quit when I sat down on that log. I sat down and let life eat away at me. So now I stand outside His Forest facing My Pyramid ready to truly find those answers to the questions I now have. Because those answers I found were actually questions. I need questions to lead me to the real answers I started to seek out. So now I’m ready to to walk out of this self made fallow time to face the answers I seek.