I mark another day off my calendar knowing it is one more day… One more day closer to the collide. When Over There™ fully meets with Over Here™, and brews a whole new Shit Storm™. I try not to think about it at all. Try not to let it eat me whole. But it grows nearer and thoughts come creeping in.
Are w/We prepared for this? Have I done enough? What if I fail? What if w/We fail? Just a few questions that circle round and round in my head, burden me as it were. They are burdens that I take on willingly, without a second thought. I understand this. I also understand that while they burden my heart I don’t let them eat me whole. That I need to have hope.
Hope. A word that has been following me my entire life. One which I treasure. I have been without hope before. That is one darkness I will not tread ever again. It is a place that was bleak and I felt nothing. Numb. An empty shell just carrying on with life. It feels like a dream when I look back. Not myself. Though something changed, I found hope. I found You, without even knowing.
With all the burdens and impending Shit Storm™, I know I can handle it. I know as long as your there I have hope. We are two halves of a whole, one can not live without the other. So lets be each other’s hope and weather this storm together.
There are times when my faith falters. Not in Us, but the group. When I worry, that maybe we are not ready. Did we prepare enough? Have I given the group enough hope? Have I lead them right? Only more questions rotate about.
In fighting happens when tensions are high. That we start to rub each other the wrong way. We find faults in one another. Jealousy sparks because we want what others have. We become weary after fighting. Worried about motives of one another. It becomes rocky. Wondering where to step from here, afraid of missteps.
This is the time my own worry creeps in. Am I a good leader? And how did I become one? Its natural for me to step up. To lead without realizing it. I was never a follower, trying to blaze my own trail in life. Even if that trail seemed bleak. Even if I am the horse in the back of the pack waiting for what is always inevitable. Watching everyone move forward without me. But you know… I’ll always be there for them, my group… my friends, guiding into the next stage… because It comes for us all, even us.
Remembering this, I stop. I look at the in-fighting and smile. We fight because we care and love one another. We are family, you know? Tragic and thrown together, in different places and times. But we are here when no one else was. We weren’t chosen… cause being chosen is lame. No. We fought to get here. In different ways. We all had our own struggles and demons to bare. We need to remind ourselves of this, even myself. That we are all in different stages in our own paths. Our own paths… for we are only meant to walk our own and not others. Others paths will not suit our own, so wanting what others have… what purpose does that suit our own path? How does it achieve us getting through our Shadowed Forest.
No we need to support one another. To lend a hand or an ear, even if we may not always agree with the other. Cause who will we count on if its not one another.
I am reminded of a song, Beautiful Bride by Flyleaf.
Functioning as one body
Every part encouraged by the other
No one independent of another
You’re irreplaceable, indispensable
I am here on a swing, in some clouded park with someone I hold dear, Papá. Talking about my worries. Expressing all of this and more. We barely swing back and forth, me talking softly. He listens as He always does. Ever so patient, never judging.
I go quiet. Continuing to swing as I watch the horizon. Its a lovely park and the sun gives a soft pink hue as it hovers on the horizon of clouds. Then I feel Him take my hand. I look over at Him. His smile makes me want to cry as all I can feel is the unconditional love from it. He whispers softly, “My dear child….”
A tear slips down as He just stares at me, with that soft smile that reminds me of everything good in my life. I actually have forgotten about the park and sun. Its just Him and His words, “A heart takes in a lot over lifetimes. Pain. Tragedy. Anger. Love. Joy. It takes it all in.”
We have stopped swinging as I look back down at the ground. It grows a bit quiet as he seems to wait for something. I mutter softly, “But I worry…” Letting my words trail off, knowing He would know what I wanted to say.
He chuckles softly, almost like laying in soft pillows which makes me smile, “This Fight will always go on. Its been happening sense the First.” I look up at Him. He was right. I knew this but he continues after a moment before I could question “Spread your wings and hold the hearts. Understand what they have taken in, deep in their souls, but do not fix as you are not meant to. They need to walk the path themselves. Sometimes… individuals need someone to hold their hearts in love and comfort to be able to heal. No judgement, just unconditional love.”
There was so much in and between his words. I heard it all, like it was singing a chorus into my own heart. With that we looked back out into the park and began to swing. Comfortable silence until We move on to something else.