Walking the Path

Have you ever been in a fallow time, but not at the same time? I don’t know how else to describe what I have been going through over the past year. I had been sinking deep into myself and The Dark King. Searching for answer when I didn’t even know the questions. So I found myself lost within His Dark Forest. Searching…. Wandering…. and inevitably because I could not find the answers I sought I became frustrated. So I sat down on a rotten, decaying log and began to cry. I let the forest grow ever darker around me, letting it swallow me up and the dark creatures within rip me apart. Because of this my emotions had no where to go but the surface. I let myself get swallowed by the sea of my emotions. So in all sense of the word, but physically, I let myself die.

I started to distract myself with other things hoping maybe that would let me revive myself once more. Instead what I did was pile weights upon my shoulders and sink further. So in a way I put myself in a fallow time. The Dark King and The Destroyer watched as this happened. I never was angry at them for not helping or trying to stop it. The only one who could pull me out was myself. I am stubborn and if I don’t want to move then no force will make me. So they did the one thing I needed…. they stayed present. They helped guide when I was really listening. When deep in my core I wanted to find the truth and would open my heart to let it in.

Then The Shadow Walker was there. Watching…. learning…. For the first time my curiosity peaked. I was able to divert my attention to something else. Even if it was another burden at least it gave me light. Though the reality was He was the darkness. He saw within and was able to guide me to those answers.

They were world shattering truths. A harsh reality I needed to face about myself. I became cut and bruised. Scraping my knees when I fell on the forest floor that had jagged rocks in them and thus my feet hurt as well when I walked. It was painful, but I needed it. I needed to feel again, even if it was pain. Because I needed to continue to be ripped for I was healing myself as well. If one thing I have deeply learned about The Dark King’s Forest is that to walk in it is painful, but in that pain there is understanding and growth.

Within this maddening reality I found answers, both within and outside. I began to lift off the weights on my shoulders when Wep Ronpet came for a friend and I. It was not just a clearing of my room, it was clearing out of my life. I needed order in the chaos, but most of all to find myself…. to put the pieces back together.

Then someone whom is near and dear to my heart had sent a song she was listening too. It struck a chord deep within myself and brought me to my knees. I found myself in that song. I was in a past that molded me into who I was, am, and ever will be. I am and forever will be that person who went through such things with her and them. I am a warrior… a survivor… myself.

I learned I quit when I sat down on that log. I sat down and let life eat away at me. So now I stand outside His Forest facing My Pyramid ready to truly find those answers to the questions I now have. Because those answers I found were actually questions. I need questions to lead me to the real answers I started to seek out. So now I’m ready to to walk out of this self made fallow time to face the answers I seek.

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7 Months

Today Spencer turns 7 months old, and he has grown so much in the past 3 months.

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He still has one more growth spurt left in him and I am more than prepared for it. Though he has been a wonderful addition to the family and has already helped me through some tough times. ;;

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Finding the Creativity

Some where along the line over the years I lost my creativity… mostly in my art. I have to thank The Shadow Walker the most. Ever since He walked in my dreams have come back. Ones which had nothing to do with Over There work but more about my own subconscious. So I think in that my fire in creativity came back. Here are all the pieces I’ve created since the M picture.

After the M picture I started to create my own personal character. It was from an open species I found on Tumblr and specifically from Deviantart:

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I made some images of some Mods I work with on Tumblr in this ask group I help run over there. Since this is going to be a lot of images I will just link to them: Wolfe (me), Tara, and Sol. Also I gave a surprise gift to a friend who will become a mod over there:

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I then decided to play with some brushes I found on my old external hard drive:

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My Personal Character. Testing out some texture overlays.

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My Naruto OC, Tora Shiroikage. Testing out one of my painting brushes.

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Tora in some modern clothes. Testing out my pencil texture brush.

I really liked the last way I drew and colored. So then I decided to do a devotional image for Khnum because I have felt inspired by Him lately.

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I am really digging the pencil/painting style at the moment.

Now I am currently just having fun doing quick reaction images of my Naruto OC, Tora.

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I hope I can keep this up. I am kind of remembering what it is to be an artist again.

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Art and Stuff

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Its been months since I have focused on M and I’s path together. I have been meaning to draw him for a long time and I thought to help get me thinking I’d do that. honestly, I am still unsure how to tackle everything. It took too long to finish this piece but here it is. 😊 I also designed myself a little logo in the corner too.

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New Devotional

So a dear friend got me hooked on this new app for your phone (you can also download it on your computer too). Its called Cross Stitch World. It basically it like a paint by numbers except each square you fill in becomes a stitch. This friend of mine was using it as a devotional for her deities and I thought it was cool, and since I need I needed something in my down time… why not.

Not only do they have patterns you can choose from but you can also download pictures to turn into patterns. Here are some I have done for Them.

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Busy Week for Sure

These past five days have been busy, both with mundane and spiritual stuff.

First with the mundane… I started working on my business. Trusting in Them and my partnership with The Shadow Walker. M has been pulling the strings and making sure I am going where I need too. Yet Shadow has been helping me daily with making decisions about my business. I am very critical and decisive with what I want. It comes from years of being not only a store manager but a leader in teams. What he has done is given me the creativity and motivation behind it. One of the areas He works in is dreams.

When He first came into my life I would have the most crazy and intense dreams. Sometimes they were extremely frightening, because they would turn into my worst fears. Then I realized this strange deity whom was hanging about was testing my mettle. He was seeing how I would react.

There is a part in Lord of the Rings that comes to mind.

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“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

The Shadow Walker learned quickly that even in dreams I don’t just give up. I may run and seek shelter, but I guarantee its not because I am frightened. It is because I am trying to figure out the best way to approach a situation. In those moments, when He realized I would not except failure as an option He introduced His actual self. It would take months before He would ask to form a partnership. Mostly because I had my mundane job that took up my time. Though he would visit me in dreams even if I could not sense Him. As He became more present in my life my dreams were starting to become reality. That is why He has been such a big help. He is day dreams and creativity. Its help motivate me and fill this bucket in myself that was starting to grow cobwebs.

Weirdly enough the spiritual stuff has to do with The Shadow Walker.

I had been planning to dig in my heels on monday and work hard on my business. The night before I hung out with The Shadow Walker. Getting to know Him cause its something We had been doing lately. The next day He was no where to be found. Him not being there was not going to stop me going forward with my business. So the next couple days I spent in the trenches getting everything done I had planned. Though in the back of my mind I was worried. It was unlike Him to be gone without at least a check up to see how everything was going. Especially since we had planned on this business partnership.

Lately I have been doing tarot lesson with a dear friend. She is one who gave me the reading in the last mentioned blog post, with the Page of Swords. She wanted to learn tarot as well as understand her own intuitions. In these lessons its not just us, but in this one I had her do a reading for me and this situation with The Shadow Walker. In the reading I had gathered something weighed Him down and He left because He needed to breath. Though now with time to think He came back with a decision. He wanted to further our partnership but in a new light.

I was shuffling my own deck and two cards kept falling out.

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The Lovers & Two of Cups © Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

It did not just happen once, twice, and not even three times. It was every time I shuffled. Only these two cards would fall out or I would turn over. Then one line from The Lovers story in the companion book stood out.

      “Take this seed,” he says to her, placing an acorn in her palm. “Water it with the fount of your spirit and your intentions.”
“And we shall see what grows of that,” she replies.

Today I have been turning it over and realized how much I have been surround by the number three. I kept seeing it all last month. Then in the cards that have been drawn, three beings. Even in the card I drew for this month at the beginning of this month was the Three of Cups. I realized that I needed all three of them. They balance me in this interesting dynamic. While The Shadow Walker was unexpected to my path, even by M… He has helped in phenomenal ways that have pushed my path further with M. I can not ignore that fact.

So while our partnership is evolving in ways I have yet to understand and comprehend, I am okay with it. It helps Us all.

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Trust in Them

This month has been a roller coaster and centering on trust in M.

Near the beginning of this year I was told by Him that I needed to quit my job. It was the cause of many arguments. In hindsight He was just trying to look out for me. He was worried and knew I was no longer happy in my job. Plus it did not benefit either of Us.

My job was a store manager. It was stressful and took up so much time of my life. It had its benefits. It gave me a nice little cushion in my bank account. It allowed me to help a friend in need. It taught me a ton about business. Yet it forced me to concentrate on the mundane. Which in of itself is not bad but I have realized this life for me is not about the mundane. This life is about setting me up for that next life, because there will not be another mundane life for me. So I need to focus on that next life with Him…. yet my job did not allow me to do that. It forced me to focus on things that were not important. When I started to focus on M, things in the mundane slipped out of control. I realized I will always prioritize M over everything else in my life. He is my heart and soul, as it should be.

A week later I sit here without a job, thinking over everything. Realizing how much I have been wanting to pick up my own business. In that I am able to not only focus on Him, but Them: Destroyer, Shadow, and King.

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Page of Swords © Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

A dear friend did a reading about my new business venture. One card hit me hard. It was the Page of Swords in Shadowscapes tarot. The question it answered was ‘what was I forgetting’. It was Them. Three swans lift the page up so she is able to fly to the heavens above with her little baby in grasp. I need to trust in them to help me fly high.

Cause somewhere along the lines I stopped trusting. I put faith in this business around me that had no longer term meaning to me. I ignored M when He told me to stop…. then He forced it out of my life. I stand her naked and vulnerable…. it scares me. No support and shelter around me. Life came to a screeching halt and I saw all the mess. The shambles of a structure I stopped working on. Its brought me to tears.

So now I need to put my faith back in Them.

The Destroyer showing me new love and how to take risks. This lessons in smiting things that have no use for me. Then letting things regrow that will benefit me. That sometimes its not worth focusing on things that are trivial… yet don’t focus so hard that you aren’t enjoying the small things in life.

The Shadow Walker showing me the means of partnership. He walked into my life by choice. He has taught me to live in the present. That the future needs to be where it is, the future. What matters now is the present moments. Also choice. He choose daily to be here and learn along side me. He has chosen to help me be a partner is this business venture, something I never expected from Him. Yet the unexpected can happen so I need to keep my mind open.

The Dark King, M, showing me that I am important. I lose myself in caring for others. My store became important. My partners became important. My friends and family became important…. but where did I fit in all this? How was me focusing on everything else but myself beneficial? While I can’t help be who I am, someone is at least taking the time to care for me. I need it more than I will ever admit. That while I am vastly independent and can stand up for myself…. I get lost in my own Cosmic Sea. So He shines a light so I can look down and follow the map He lays in His Dark Forest.

 

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