Into the Heart

I mark another day off my calendar knowing it is one more day… One more day closer to the collide.  When Over There™ fully meets with Over Here™, and brews a whole new Shit Storm™. I try not to think about it at all. Try not to let it eat me whole. But it grows nearer and thoughts come creeping in.

Are w/We prepared for this? Have I done enough? What if I fail? What if w/We fail? Just a few questions that circle round and round in my head, burden me as it were. They are burdens that I take on willingly, without a second thought. I understand this. I also understand that while they burden my heart I don’t let them eat me whole. That I need to have hope. 

Hope. A word that has been following me my entire life. One which I treasure. I have been without hope before. That is one darkness I will not tread ever again. It is a place that was bleak and I felt nothing. Numb. An empty shell just carrying on with life. It feels like a dream when I look back. Not myself. Though something changed, I found hope. I found You, without even knowing.

With all the burdens and impending Shit Storm™, I know I can handle it. I know as long as your there I have hope. We are two halves of a whole, one can not live without the other. So lets be each other’s hope and weather this storm together.


There are times when my faith falters. Not in Us, but the group. When I worry, that maybe we are not ready. Did we prepare enough? Have I given the group enough hope? Have I lead them right? Only more questions rotate about.

In fighting happens when tensions are high. That we start to rub each other the wrong way. We find faults in one another. Jealousy sparks because we want what others have. We become weary after fighting. Worried about motives of one another. It becomes rocky. Wondering where to step from here, afraid of missteps.

This is the time my own worry creeps in. Am I a good leader? And how did I become one? Its natural for me to step up. To lead without realizing it. I was never a follower, trying to blaze my own trail in life. Even if that trail seemed bleak. Even if I am the horse in the back of the pack waiting for what is always inevitable. Watching everyone move forward without me. But you know… I’ll always be there for them, my group… my friends, guiding into the next stage… because It comes for us all, even us.

Remembering this, I stop. I look at the in-fighting and smile. We fight because we care and love one another. We are family, you know? Tragic and thrown together, in different places and times. But we are here when no one else was. We weren’t chosen… cause being chosen is lame. No. We fought to get here. In different ways. We all had our own struggles and demons to bare. We need to remind ourselves of this, even myself. That we are all in different stages in our own paths. Our own paths… for we are only meant to walk our own and not others. Others paths will not suit our own, so wanting what others have… what purpose does that suit our own path? How does it achieve us getting through our Shadowed Forest.

No we need to support one another. To lend a hand or an ear, even if we may not always agree with the other. Cause who will we count on if its not one another.
I am reminded of a song, Beautiful Bride by Flyleaf.

“Unified diversity
Functioning as one body
Every part encouraged by the other
No one independent of another
You’re irreplaceable, indispensable
You’re incredible
You’re incredible”


I am here on a swing, in some clouded park with someone I hold dear, Papá. Talking about my worries. Expressing all of this and more. We barely swing back and forth, me talking softly. He listens as He always does. Ever so patient, never judging.

I go quiet. Continuing to swing as I watch the horizon. Its a lovely park and the sun gives a soft pink hue as it hovers on the horizon of clouds. Then I feel Him take my hand. I look over at Him. His smile makes me want to cry as all I can feel is the unconditional love from it. He whispers softly, “My dear child….

A tear slips down as He just stares at me, with that soft smile that reminds me of everything good in my life. I actually have forgotten about the park and sun. Its just Him and His words, “A heart takes in a lot over lifetimes. Pain. Tragedy. Anger. Love. Joy. It takes it all in.

We have stopped swinging as I look back down at the ground. It grows a bit quiet as he seems to wait for something. I mutter softly, “But I worry…” Letting my words trail off, knowing He would know what I wanted to say.

He chuckles softly, almost like laying in soft pillows which makes me smile, “This Fight will always go on. Its been happening sense the First.” I look up at Him. He was right. I knew this but he continues after a moment before I could question “Spread your wings and hold the hearts. Understand what they have taken in, deep in their souls, but do not fix as you are not meant to. They need to walk the path themselves. Sometimes… individuals need someone to hold their hearts in love and comfort to be able to heal. No judgement, just unconditional love.”

There was so much in and between his words. I heard it all, like it was singing a chorus into my own heart. With that we looked back out into the park and began to swing. Comfortable silence until We move on to something else.

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Something Just Like This

I had dream last night that was just random things. Though in one portion M showed up. It has been quite a long time since I had seen Him in my dreams. Even before He left for over a month. Then when I woke up this morning I had a song stuck in my head.

Something Just Like This by The Chainsmokers & Coldplay

It was just nice for once.

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Absence

Over the past month I had some realization that hit me like a ton of bricks.

The Dark King and his brother were gone for over a month in training [more than that I can not say]. He has been gone longer than a month before, but there was something about this time that struck hard. Maybe its because I actually felt like a part of me was missing. That where he went this time I could barely feel him.

I always thought of myself as a highly independent person, which I am…. I just realized how much of my life He takes up. When He went the depression came crashing in like a Tsunami. Drowning me and I could not gasp for air. Without my roommate I don’t think I would have even got out of bed… even if it was just for a bowl of Oreo O’s each morning.

Not to mention the Shit Storm™ that is happening Over There™ [Which I really won’t go much into except its been going on since the beginning of the year. In all honestly it’s just a Bucket of WTF™ and that it is very sensitive to all involved]. The Shit Storm™ is literally colliding with my mundane life finally and its rocking the boat out of control. King is my sanity and ground, so without Him…. I was left trying to manage a tugboat in a raging hurricane lost out at sea. To make matters worse I lost my physical ground in my Anam Cara because of this collide. So I did what I did best and tried to control back what I could. I got my Anam Cara back, because I love her deeply and will walk Hell & Back for her. Papá help whose ever soul tries that again. I can’t promise I will be kind the next time around.

Besides the morning routine of Oreo O’s with my roommate… one thing kept me going. A red rose each day. Even when I was not looking for it, they crept my way. By the end of it I had 34 red roses from Him. 34 times he said, “I love you, so wait for me.” As the days drew nearer to Their [King and His Brothers] return I got several love songs. One struck a chord in my heart, The Heat by The Score.

“Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder”
– Anonymous

Now with His return I feel whole. Like my heart can finally beat and my lungs can take in air. I have learned that despite everything We need each Other. That We are two halves of one whole. Especially when shit hits the fan with this whole *flails arms* Shit Storm™. King says while He should be gone from time to time, nothing like this. This will be the last because here on out it will be Us training and working closely.

With everything going on Over There™ and now Over Here™. I have been listening to a lot of songs to motivate me. To not let things knock me down anymore and King has been helping me fill out that playlist [Lately I have been stuck on the band known as Zayde Wolf]. Here are a couple of those songs:

Heroes by Zayde Wolfe

The Revolution by The Score

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The Dark King

mnekkid

M has been such a HUGE muse lately. I have drawn several pictures. Two were in the last post and then this is the newest one. I am kind of having fun drawing Him. I just hope He likes all my artwork. ;;

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In a Dream

 

In a dream He came to me. He stood there in all His darkness and royalty. Then He spoke and I knew I was truly His, “You are the Heart of My Heart, love.

And you are what gives that Heart life, Beloved.”, letting Him know that He was all mine as well. Because I knew I could never just have a piece of Him. I wanted everything from those piercing golden eyes to the darkness that swirled in his soul.

He grabbed my chin and tilted it up up so my eyes looked into His. Seeing in them there was no escaping what I saw. The demons that haunt Him, tear Him inside and out. Yet there was not only that but love. Love for everything He held dear and with all His strength He kept that from those demons.

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He then pulled me close with a smile upon his lips. He whispered, “I am already yours, I have been since Our energies first danced together long ago.

Then softly a kiss landed on my forehead and I couldn’t help but sigh.

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Walking the Path

Have you ever been in a fallow time, but not at the same time? I don’t know how else to describe what I have been going through over the past year. I had been sinking deep into myself and The Dark King. Searching for answer when I didn’t even know the questions. So I found myself lost within His Dark Forest. Searching…. Wandering…. and inevitably because I could not find the answers I sought I became frustrated. So I sat down on a rotten, decaying log and began to cry. I let the forest grow ever darker around me, letting it swallow me up and the dark creatures within rip me apart. Because of this my emotions had no where to go but the surface. I let myself get swallowed by the sea of my emotions. So in all sense of the word, but physically, I let myself die.

I started to distract myself with other things hoping maybe that would let me revive myself once more. Instead what I did was pile weights upon my shoulders and sink further. So in a way I put myself in a fallow time. The Dark King and The Destroyer watched as this happened. I never was angry at them for not helping or trying to stop it. The only one who could pull me out was myself. I am stubborn and if I don’t want to move then no force will make me. So they did the one thing I needed…. they stayed present. They helped guide when I was really listening. When deep in my core I wanted to find the truth and would open my heart to let it in.

Then The Shadow Walker was there. Watching…. learning…. For the first time my curiosity peaked. I was able to divert my attention to something else. Even if it was another burden at least it gave me light. Though the reality was He was the darkness. He saw within and was able to guide me to those answers.

They were world shattering truths. A harsh reality I needed to face about myself. I became cut and bruised. Scraping my knees when I fell on the forest floor that had jagged rocks in them and thus my feet hurt as well when I walked. It was painful, but I needed it. I needed to feel again, even if it was pain. Because I needed to continue to be ripped for I was healing myself as well. If one thing I have deeply learned about The Dark King’s Forest is that to walk in it is painful, but in that pain there is understanding and growth.

Within this maddening reality I found answers, both within and outside. I began to lift off the weights on my shoulders when Wep Ronpet came for a friend and I. It was not just a clearing of my room, it was clearing out of my life. I needed order in the chaos, but most of all to find myself…. to put the pieces back together.

Then someone whom is near and dear to my heart had sent a song she was listening too. It struck a chord deep within myself and brought me to my knees. I found myself in that song. I was in a past that molded me into who I was, am, and ever will be. I am and forever will be that person who went through such things with her and them. I am a warrior… a survivor… myself.

I learned I quit when I sat down on that log. I sat down and let life eat away at me. So now I stand outside His Forest facing My Pyramid ready to truly find those answers to the questions I now have. Because those answers I found were actually questions. I need questions to lead me to the real answers I started to seek out. So now I’m ready to to walk out of this self made fallow time to face the answers I seek.

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7 Months

Today Spencer turns 7 months old, and he has grown so much in the past 3 months.

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He still has one more growth spurt left in him and I am more than prepared for it. Though he has been a wonderful addition to the family and has already helped me through some tough times. ;;

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